Today i thought back. For some reason i found myself back in '99 when i was a scared little girl. I was afraid of the dark,people and sadly my own capabilities.Thinking back now, i was not living at all.I did not want to offend people so i was always extra cautious and self concious too.I watched how i spoke, how i dressed and made sure that i was always in line.
This was all hard because i was never the poster girl for anything.More like the black sheep! When i was in my mid teens, i decide to give my life to Christ.At the time it looked like the only way i'd fit into something.Christianity offered me everything i couldn't find..refuge in people who,like me, were black sheep.I then, as i still do, threw myself whole heartedly into it and wanted to make sure there was not a note of the old me..the real me, left.
As time went, and after one hell of a disappointment.I realised that God,with everything that He is, is freedom.Its all about having a relationship with him and finding freedom in it.He knows your heart and speaks to you in the manner you'll understand.
I realised that all along i had been caught up in the programme.Society's and the church's. I had to find mine! For the first time i had to look back and review my beliefs;what i believed in and why. The aftermath was a rebellion.Not the negat...well maybe a little negative if you consider that i had to step on some toes to find that space.
I started doing what ME wanted or what ME felt was right. I let go of the static rituals i'd grown fond of. I'd always wanted to sing so i joined a band(Thank you Bien,Tony and Chris:),I went out by myself and came back late,I wore skirts bearing my unshaven bottle legs!,i cut my hair short so i had nothing to hide behind,i had random bursts into song,I started a youth outreach programme...These things had always been in me but had slowy been wrung out of my soul by all the nonsense.
The rebellion had to happen in order for me to find freedom.
What are you holding on to that is keeping you from You? Who's voice is it that you hear in your head? Who's approval do you want? Are you pretty because someone says so? Are you fulfilled? Do you dance to the rhythm God's put in your heart?
In the words of Lauryn-my-hero-Hill: "You have the right to be who you are. Whenever you submit your will to someone else's opinion a part of you dies".
So i write this in a new (and a little scary honestly) space.You know the feeling you get when you've been in a stuffy room all day...that first fresh breath of air as you step out? Or if ungowase kasi,xa ubuminxiseleke kwi train yase Khaltsha(94)kwela carriage lamaRasta... Yes that one!
A fresh revelation of who God is, a new hope and a MaDd hairstlye ya di FrUiTcAkEs!
I wonder what's next? *biting her chapped lips*