So yesterday,my good friend Bee called me to lament about yet another love connection false alarm. She and i have been having countless Gtalk conversations about relationships ,sharing our horror stories and our ridiculously unrealistic lists of what he must be like. See, we are both single and have been for quite a while(this explains why we're up at night debating about whose hot water bottle is hotter).
Okay so yesterday she tells me about this guy who works at the same building as she (the less said about what he actually does at work the better),with whom she has been talking for the past THREE days(there's a reason why i typed the 3 in CAPS). He says the right things; infact my severly colonised friend here has never experienced this sort of wooing before. Used to being asked for numbers in a taxi or being whistled at, Bee was pleasantly surprised when lo bhuti used a method that was completely foreign to her. He blocked her way and refused to let her pass without hearing him out. Caba shame oko efuna ukuthetha naye enganikwa thuba(I suspect type of work he does had a lot to do with it).Ngamagama aphandle, umgqule isiKomani." Ukuba uwutsibile lomgca undivumile" typa thing. I laughed my thunderous laugh(usually reserved for isgezo).This was new to my buddy because she had never set foot emakhaya and had only been exposed to ii-mating techniques zika Sporo(the kasi boy) and Tiro(the daishiki wearing,dreadlocked struggling artist).She was blown away.
Now why was she lamenting? Our Komani boy ruined his chances(and hers at finding a winter buddy) when he ended a call with ''I LOVE YOU". To say the least, she was less than impressed. It had only been THREE days. Why was he loving her already? After i got up from rolling on the ground laughing, i asked her if he had shown any suspect signs of being an idiot before the I LOVE YOU. "Chomi, he didn't even ask for my Mxit or Facebook name!!" (Groundbreaking stuff!).He was doing everything right before this offence. "Maybe, he didn't know how to articulate how he felt and those 3 little words just found their way out of his mouth", i said to her. Before i could continue,our conversation was brought to a halt.I'm guessing her boss came in!
So in my state of insomnia i continued the conversation with my over-worked brain. Why do african men feel the need to proclaim their undying love for complete strangers? Why is it that him liking how you look equals him LOVING you? Why is it that after 3 days he's able to tell you he loves you yet after 3 years its a mission? Is "I LOVE YOU" the bait? Are we soo hungry for love that these 3 words compell us to take our knickers off? And have the men noticed that? These are the kinds of questions that played around in my head.
I've had my fair share of moments ruined by these types of sentences but one that's on the top of my head right now is when i met this really nice bhuti at a music festival. We exchanged numbers(for networking reasons, i swear) and a few days later we were talking like old buddies. Not once did he mention that he liked me in that way nor did i ever feel like he was laying the foundation for such, even when he asked me to go to music concert of one of my all time favorite artists, there weren't any hidden messages(or maybe my radar was down). I was horribly surprised on the morning of the concert when he sent a text saying he expected to be thanked with a kiss or more. I replied with "WWWHHAAAAT???"(texted in my Li'l Jon voice). He couldn't understand why i didn't find the humour in the message or why i wanted to cancel the whole thing. I didn't understand how him taking me to a concert afforded him a kiss or more. I was seriously put off.
I guess with time everything has become "Instant". Instant Cereal, 2 minute Noodles, Instant Coffee,Instant Messaging and now Instant Scoring. No one wants to sweat anymore. I mean, why put an effort and get to know her when you can easily say ''I LOVE YOU" and jump ten steps ahead?
To be continued (with what my brain and i came up with)