Sunday, September 20, 2015
Growing into me
This post came about when I found this picture of myself as a 23 year old intern at the media agency I now work for. The picture just brought back memories of how sad and unsure of myself I was back then.
I was the new girl who didn't really fit in and had problems articulating her ideas well (yet smart as fuck though) and therefore ended up in the background. For a while I even convinced myself I didn't enjoy being in the spotlight which I know now is just a way I rationalized my lack of confidence. I had a lot of ideas that never saw the light of day because I believed someone who wasn't me would execute them better.
I remember a conversation with a woman who managed me at the time and later became a friend - one of those life changing conversations that just confirmed there was so much in me that people need to see and hear about. I don't think she even remembers this but she basically told me I had so much to offer and I wasn't doing anyone a favour just sitting on the sidelines thinking shitty thoughts about myself. She then shared with me about how her own journey hadn't been a smooth one but she kept pushing and that for one to push they need to believe in themselves.
Years later I look back at the girl in that picture and my heart breaks for her and other women whose FIERCE hasn't fully loaded. Women who inherited their mothers'penchant for setting themselves on fire to keep everyone warm, young girls who believe they are not beautiful therefore nothing beautiful can come out of them and young girls who are waiting on a boy to love them in order for them to believe they are loveable and enchanting... I'm also proud that she's come so far despite all her mind battles.
It was only when I started curating my life to match the person I wanted to be that things started falling into place. What I listened to, the friends I kept, the conversations I had and books I bought. It meant I had to stop buying magazines that didn't have people who looked like me and advertised products that has nothing to do with me. It meant watching the thoughts I meditate on and making sure I celebrate my wins.
I also realized that most confident people (I'm not talking pseudo confidence that's loud and tramples on others') are people who choose to fight for themselves in a world that constantly ridicules anything that's not uniform - because that's what it really is. One needs to be in in their own corner. Full time!